Saturday, 12 August 2017

A Rendezvous with Myself

Saturday late night. Lying on the couch with phone in my hand. Like always, the entire screen space is occupied with a glowing face of perhaps the most beautiful girl and more precisely her beautiful smile. Suddenly with a beep sound and flimsy vibration, a message flashes on my screen…

Your_Soul: Hi….. I know this sounds kinda weird…….but I am you, just wanted to see if we could speak….had something to ask you.

Yeah right. He's my soul and I am Prince William. Someone was trying to be very funny……there’s only one person who knows me more than I know myself and she, so far as I now believe, is already tired of being me…..so this new “Mr.Me” must be some kind of a poor joke…..

I type back. Yes Your_Soul, (though I almost initially typed "yes you a** h***"). Nice joke. Now tell me who are you?

Your_Soul: I told you, this is going to sound crazy, but trust me I am actually “you”…. I don’t know how this is happening but somehow I’m being able to speak to you through this chat……..and I want to ask you just one thing……What is it that you are worried about so much?

Oh please, how can someone be so excruciating…..poking nose into other’s personal life like this….so I reply.

Manish: Listen Your_Soul or You_”Ass”Soul (couldn't hold myself this time though), whosoever you are…..if you are thinking that its late Saturday night and that I must be drunk and that you can make a fool of me……you better know that I don’t drink……now just buzz off.

Your_Soul: Wait wait……..just hold on…..Ok, I have proof…... I am sending you a pic……no-one else has this pic, atleast none in your circle…..Well, It feels strange to say “your” because your circle is mine too……..See this pic. Recognize the guy?

Holy smoke….!!!......That’s me…..un-freaking believable ………how the hell did he………………..

Manish: Jeeeeeez, I don’t know how on earth you did this…..or what in the name of Deepika is happening……just tell me what exactly do you want to know about me?……btw, Mr.Me…isn’t it dumb on your part to claim yourself as “me” on one hand and ask something about “me” on the other……you must be some anencephalous descendent of Arnab Goswamy I guess….lol…….

Your_Soul: Remember, whatever you say about me applies to you….so stop making fun of yourself, and come to the point...

Manish: Wow, now that’s like me……impressive! But, I don’t think my problem warrants this.....Why do you think something is wrong with me?

Your_Soul: Let’s see……you’ve been deprived of sleep for about a month now, have hardly spoken, refuse to eat….just the mention of her name infuriates you…just a thought about any association with her perturbs you….you are………

Manish: Stop………….don‘t say a word more about her……just tell me why should I tell you about my problem? If you are indeed me, you are likely to not have the solution to my problem either….so where’s the point?

Your_Soul: Agreed….I may not have the solution, but wasn’t it you who believed that sharing (talking about) your problem helps you feel better…..remember what Rancho (Ranchodas Shamaldas Chanchad) told Raju in 3 idiots? “It may not solve the problem, but it will give you the courage to face it…..”

Manish: Ah, I am not a very big fan of Bollywood movies but anyways, I promise I will tell you, but I need a pact from you…..promise me that it will remain only between us……I don’t want you to kill me when I am already dying……

Your_Soul: Agreed. But look at you…..you look so weak and drained….

Manish: I lost the only friend I had, what do you expect?

Your_Soul: Relax, try and have control over your emotions. Why do you get carried away with the outcomes so easily, no wonder you are so weak…wake up, just do what you are supposed to do….it’s not your job to think about the outcomes…….

Manish: Oh please, don’t mind but you are kind of sounding like lord Krishna in Geeta……I have a great regard for the Geeta and I truly respect everything that’s in it….but trust me life is not Geeta and I’m not Arjun. Truth is bitter and the truth is that she has decided to end it….

Your_Soul: Ok so? Did she ever tell you that she will not?

Manish: Yeah right, so now even you are blaming it on me…..

Your_Soul: It’s not about blaming you, all I’m saying is she has a life too, if she wants to keep you away from it, it's her call….why are you having a problem with it? You’ve always respected all her decisions till today, why not this one?

Manish: I never said I have a problem with her decision…….what’s killing me is the way she is doing it….I mean come on….… she’s been so nice to me all these years, why now is she treating me like an outsider?......

Your_Soul: You know, it's inspired by Sank's philosophy.....It’s just their way of dealing with it….what is so complicated in it for you to understand….things could’ve been much worse…

Manish: It’s not that I don’t understand…..ok let me ask you something…..Am I wrong in expecting her to tell me about her decision? Why then was I trying to convince her all these years when I wanted to end it? I could’ve also simply done what she’s now doing….But I always told myself that I will not let leave her until she is convinced that I must let her go….why then is she doing this to me now?

Your_Soul: Aren’t you expecting people to be like you when you say that? Why should they be so? And as I said, it’s just their way of dealing with it…....I’d appreciate if you concentrate on what has been communicated rather than how it has been communicated……

Manish: Man, you must be some kind of a spiritual guru……I just hope your consultancy charges are within my limits….do you accept part payments?

Your_Soul: Ha ha ha….don’t worry, this is not my business…..I told you all this because you are very dear to me….which is why I’m in you….my job is to take care of you and believe me so long as you stand by the truth I will never let anyone harm you….

Manish: Sounds good…. can I just say how impressed I am with your commitment to help me…..and in that spirit can I ask you one more question about her?

Your_Soul: Well, that may attract a premium…..lol…..go ahead…

Manish: Do you think we will be friends ever again? I miss her.

Your_Soul: I am sorry to have to break this to you….but I don’t think she will agree to it. What she is doing is actually good for her life coz to her mind, your company only complicates a lot of things for her now.

Manish: Excuse me, but can your care to explain?

Your_Soul: It means “No”. You people are not meant to be together again because your backgrounds and your sensibilities (the ones you people are still not aware of) will pre-program you to take different paths. Plus let’s face it......you don’t have the brains which in her opinion is the primary criteria of consideration for a good friend, nor do you have a dashing physique which she would insist in a guy to protect her if she dashed into someone by mistake……let alone the cash and the style…….your time will be spent better watching football, reading a book, doing creative writing…..that’s all you are worthy of…..

Manish: Do you even have emotions? Anyway, good that you reminded me.....I gotta go now… watch a football match; it’s too good to miss Messi in action, that too in semis of Champions League.....

Your_Soul: I’m sorry again but Messi is going to be called off in the first half today….

Manish: I bet you don’t know about football as much as you know about me……buzz off….

40 minutes later…..five minutes before the whistle for first half….(in the match between Barcelona and Bayern Munich), there’s a signal for replacement…..Messi Out, Pedro In…….

Holy Moly…..!!!

I searched for my phone…..and typed….

Manish: Hi, you there?


As I waited for his reply, I looked up his status message....it read...

"Inspired by the Sank philosophy...😊"

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

The Great Escape!


The Great Escape!

Robberies, so far  have been a thing only in books or in movies for me…..but to feature as a protagonist in such an incident, trust me you’ve got to have balls….may be made of iron or something……

It’s half past two in the morning. I got off a private bus heading towards Delhi from Salasar (Lord Hanuman’s Temple). My campus is one and a half kms from the halt. Our University is generous enough to provide cabs for students visiting/returning from long trips, but this simply wasn't my day. Thanks to the ongoing book fest at Jaipur, all cabs had already been booked for travel to the fest by the dogma hungry students of our college. 

I looked at the desolated lane. Scary thoughts about the gang that held passers by in the night flashed past my mind. Since. I was returning from a holy place, I somehow, gathered the strength to begin my walk towards the campus with a hint of courage within me. Something was telling me that nothing bad was going to happen notwithstanding the horrific tales I had heard about the operations of this notorious gang. 

I had walked just a few yards and the inevitable happened. I heard a bike nearing me from behind. Even before I could turn around to look, I felt a rock solid palm hold my shirt collar from the rear. The man on bike, fully clad in a quilt appeared like a typical baddie from a low budget Bollywood film. I froze completely with my heart quivering like a trapped chicken and beating at a pace faster than the F1 cars. 

Shiver ran through me as he spoke with a heavy voice. As he spoke, he scanned through me from top to bottom. Girls should, perhaps, learn a lesson from my episode. It's sometimes beneficial not to put on too many valuables. I just had a golden finger ring and Rado watch that could qualify as valuables. Thanks to my winter clothing, my gloves covered the ring and the full sleeved sweater covered the watch. 

"Kaha se aariyo hai?" he asked 

"Salasar Mandir." I said, hoping that the mention of Mandir would change his mind of robbing me.

He got off the bike and started moving around me slowly. I wondered if I should declare all my assets even before he asked for them.

"Paise kitne hai?" he asked. Mr. do-little looked in a hurry with no interest in my ornaments or mobile phones and wanted only cash.  

I thought if I should invent stories to tell him how I had run out of cash and that I had nothing left........but even before I could think, my hand reached my wallet and within a blink it shifted hands and was now in his hands. As he emptied all of the cash in it, we saw another man approaching us. I saw him and couldn't believe it. He screamed at us and our Shakti Kapoor dropped my wallet, got on his bike and drove in the opposite direction. Tingles of relief ran down my spine. Krishna had come to save Draupadi or should I say Hanuman had come to save Sita as I was returning from Salasar. 

What followed after that was rather more expected. The man accompanied me till the campus gate and warned me of undertaking such dangerous stints. 

I deserve to be punished (for whatever I'm doing) and am thankful to God that this has so far been the worst form of punishment I have served. 

Cheers!









Monday, 14 October 2013

Sher - O - Shayari


[Disclaimer: This poetry is adapted from the verse originally written by Saleem Kausar and anyone apprehensive about it or desirous of labeling it as plagiarism is free to do so. Like I care..........]  


Saturday, 14 September 2013

Chennai Express - Review



Disclaimer: All characters in this film are insane and have been robbed of their sanity for most part of their allotted screen time and resemblance to any person with even slightest of astute thinking abilities is purely coincidental.

SRK, whom history will remember for creating magic in DDLJ delivered this blooper when he tried to adapt his old version of lover boy image in his old age now, as a lover boy again! As if this wasn’t enough, even the plot is the same as it was 18 years ago in DDLJ.

SRK plays the role of Rahul (who else do you think will laugh at jokes that are as old as the mummies) who at the tender age of 40 reunites with two of his insane friends (recall the disclaimer) who consider pride in giving gift to the grandson when the occasion is to celebrate the 100th birthday of his grandfather.  So innocent is Rahul that he not only accepts the gift from his insane friends but also concurs with their philosophy that waters at a random beach in Goa eventually flow into the holy rivers of Rameshwaram hence it is perfectly fine to immerse the ashes (of the dead, considered as a part of last rites) in the beaches of Goa rather than travel all the way to Rameshwaram. God seemed to be the only sane character in the movie who decides to bring a twist in the life of innocent Rahul, who meets another bunch of insane people (Meenamma, the female protagonist of the film included) in a train to Chennai, Chennai Express, hence the movie name Chennai Express. Brilliant no?

Of course putting the blame of the entire blunder on such sequences would be like blaming one mortgage defaulter for the entire financial crisis of 2008. The movie would’ve ended in the 15th minute or so, had the colossus guards of Meenamma’s father cum don, who looked like African Sumos rather than guards of a don, thrown our hero out of the train just as they threw a Nokia Lumia and the TC (yes, you read that right, the TC of the train) as if they were wrappers of chocolates or peels of banana. But, no. They are ingenious people who will not only embrace the hero but also escort him to their Godfather. Why? Because its just been 15 odd minutes since the torture commenced.                         .

As I sat through this mess of a movie, I could see several instances that validated the insanity of Rahul as a 40 year old (for e.g. in one of the scenes he admits to it himself by saying “don’t underestimate the common of a power man” instead of “don’t underestimate the power of a common man”). But the real pain was the acumen of the Don (Meenamma’s father). So powerful is he and his army of tribal men who look like the haunted spirits of a Butt’s (ooops sorry, a Bhatt’s) flick, that his daughter has mastered the art of eloping(“bhagne mein mereko bahooot experrrience”). The real proof of his brilliance lies in his decision to choose the groom (for her daughter) based on the muscle power of the top contenders, as if she was a medallion of the Olympics.

The sheer loudness of the background score is an assault on the cochlear nerves. But this was expected out of a Rohit Shetty film. Inured to his passion for flying cars and men defying all laws of physics, setting random things on fire, escaping sequences (just to name a few of the many psychotic conjunctures), I however developed the moral fiber to sit through the running time of the film, hoping that my sanity outlasts the eloping attempts of Meenamma and Rahul.

And just when I thought that Meenamma had succeeded in her domain of expertise i.e. fleeing (with Rahul this time) in comes Rahul proving his insanity yet again by driving the car back to the den of don. Rahul aims to better the record of 7 slaps he got from Chaudhry Baldev Singh and thinks he can deliver a few more powerful lines this time and settle for a few slaps less to win the medallion (oops the girl sorry!). But sadly for him, the director of this film is not an admirer of peace like the Chopras. And wait, we haven’t given our other contender (Thungabali) a chance to prove his delusion anyways. So there you go, a few more brilliant moments of aerobic stunts, burning carts, using random articles to dislocate vital organs (a bucket in this instance), blood dropping like dollops of ice cream……before Tungabali and the don finally surrender like trapped chickens.

All in all, if you are a normal person who attains the state of sanity even at rare intervals of time, you wouldn’t want to board this train that derails so often. My faith in bollywood cinema has now shaken. Forever.